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“My patients say what got them where they are was that one person that always said ‘yes’ finally said ‘no.’”

That quote is from our licensed addiction counselor, Paula Lynch, CSAC, explaining what “boundaries” means relating to addiction. We’ve heard the word time and time again, but, when caring for someone with an addiction, it can become tricky. You can get caught up in “trying to say the right thing” to prevent your loved one from distancing themselves from you, or you may feel like you’ll lose leverage to persuade them to go to rehab.

We’ve heard about the power in using “tough love” as a strategy to provoke them to change, but it’s difficult to find that sweet spot between tough love and enabling.

So, where do you draw the line between what you need and what your loved one needs? How do you protect yourself before reaching the breaking point? And, most importantly, how do you set those much-needed boundaries and stick to them while caring for your loved one?

What is Enablement v. Boundaries?

Firstly, the definition of a boundary is “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.” The keyword is “limit;” it’s the thing that marks the end of something you’re comfortable with.  Enablement, on the other hand, is “to provide with the means or opportunity for something, or to make something practical or easy.” Regarding addiction, it’s protecting the person from the consequences of their disease by doing tasks they can perform themselves.

For instance, you may pay a loved one’s light bill or child support when you know they can—they just put their money elsewhere. Maybe you’re constantly picking up their children from school when they can do it themselves—they just put their time elsewhere.

Enabling just delays the inevitability of things reaching a breaking point when they could’ve been prevented from the beginning. You may think you’re protecting your loved one, but, in reality, you’re just protecting their addiction.

When is it Time to Set a Boundary?

When loving someone with an addiction, we can get compassion fatigue. We try to reach the person at every angle and burn ourselves out trying to “do” or “say” the right thing. It’s time to set a boundary when you realize you don’t know how to say “no” anymore.

A firm boundary is recognizing a dangerous pattern from your loved one that puts you in an uncomfortable position and taking action that puts your needs first. This requires you to be honest about the dynamic with your loved one and identify manipulative behaviors.

For instance, did you pay for a bill when they’ve continuously displayed a habit of pocketing the money? Did you drive them to locations without knowing any details? Have you had to pick up their children one too many times? Have they followed through on their promises?

Reflect on these patterns to better understand both yourself and your loved one.

A Lack of Consequences Delays the Recovery Process

We self-sabotage by going back on our word, so the person needs to feel the consequences of your boundaries in order to change their behaviors. Think about the message you’re sending when going against the boundary; you can appear easy to manipulate, and they won’t recognize the severity of their addiction. This just holds them back from their breakthrough.

A consequence could be being excluded from certain events, like Hannukah dinner or a child’s graduation party. Your loved one needs to feel the results of their actions, and it’ll put pressure on them to change.

Examples of Setting Boundaries

We’ve talked about what boundaries are and how to set them, but what does that actually look like? Our certified addiction counselors have outlined some examples of boundaries you can set, but remember that each family is different, so decide what’s best for you.

• Choosing not to pay their bills (rent, child support, daycare, car note, etc.), or decreasing the amount of money you give them.

• Declining to drive them to questionable locations, like a “friend’s” apartment you don’t know or a “doctor’s appointment” they don’t have.

• Not paying their bail money or picking them up from jail from their DUI.

• Excluding them from certain events like birthdays, graduations, and holidays.

• Refusing to talk about anything related to their addiction unless they’re in a right, sober mindset (this means not angry, emotional, or inebriated).

How to Approach Boundaries to Your Loved One

We naturally tend to run from confrontation, especially about sensitive topics like addiction. Our licensed therapists recommend these strategies on approaching boundaries:

• Use “I” and “we” statements while avoiding “you” statements. Steer the conversation away from their addiction itself. Instead, ask: “What can I do to help you get better?” “What is causing this pain, and how can I support you?”

• Keep in mind their substance of choice. Someone with an alcohol addiction is different from someone abusing opioids or heroin. What does their abuse look like, how does it affect you, and how can you protect yourself from it?

• Go with your gut and set realistic expectations. You know yourself and your loved one best, so use that to your advantage when communicating with them.

• Learn from your mistakes. Keep adjusting your boundaries when necessary. Try practicing confronting your loved one or writing a script. But most importantly, don’t give up on conveying your boundaries and limits.

• Be conscious of your non-verbal communication. When you shift your tone and body language, it can make the person change their own behavior and adapt. Approach your loved one how you’d like to be approached.

• Be ready to go out of your comfort zone and push past what you’re used to. You may be a non-confrontational person, or you may have a short temper and yell easily. But you must break past these habits to make your boundary heard.

Knowing When to Step Away

Step away when you’re in a harmful or dangerous situation. This includes losing your children, job, or home because of the person, or being threatened with violence. Everyone’s scenario is different, so be sure to know what is severe and what is your absolute limit. If they need a hospital, call them. If you need to call the cops, call them. If you need to avoid interactions, distance yourself (especially when tensions are high). Your safety always comes first.

Next Steps

Remember that recovery is a waiting game. No matter how badly you want to see your loved one overcome their addiction, it’s important to remember that you can’t do the heavy lifting for them, even when they don’t want to put in the work.

Always show that you care at the end of the day and empathize with them. Let them know that you don’t like the person they are with their addiction. Show them that you believe they can be a better person without their substance, and that you’re willing to help them any way you can.

You can’t control the person with the addiction; you can only control yourself, your actions, and your behaviors. Licensed addiction counselor, Paula Lynch, leaves with this: “Many patients say that the person who never gave up on them was the person that showed their empathy.”

To get help or information on addiction in the family, explore more resources for yourself, including addiction books and videos, a community support group database, and therapy for families on our Family & Friends page. You can also learn more about boundaries and communication in our webinar recording, “Communication & De-Escalation: Keeping Your Cool in the Face of Addiction.”

About Master Center for Addiction Medicine

Master Center for Addiction Medicine is a groundbreaking addiction treatment program headquartered in Glen Allen, Va. Based on a vision of comprehensive outpatient care, Master Center was launched in 2016 and now includes locations throughout the Commonwealth.

Master Center offers a coordinated, multidisciplinary approach rarely seen in the outpatient setting, staffed by experienced addiction physicians, psychiatrists, counselors, therapists, and peer recovery coaches.

Give us a call today at 804.332.5950 to schedule an appointment or learn more about us.