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When you make your wedding vow to your partner, it’s often said that you’re bonded “in sickness and in health;” however, many don’t think about drug addiction as a disease or a “sickness.” So, when your spouse suddenly shows the signs of addiction, it can strain the marriage, and a lack of understanding makes it even more troublesome to overcome. But can a marriage survive drug addiction, and what can you do to preserve it in the face of adversity?

The short answer to that question is yes; addiction is a severe health problem with long-lasting impacts on relationships, but with the right support and resources, marriage can be preserved. Since 2016, our counselors have helped thousands of patients in their battle with addiction, including the impact on their marriages and relationships, and they are experts in providing the information you need.

Whether you’re in a marriage or a long-term partnership, we hope that this guide offers the insight you need to not only understand the effects of addiction on your relationship but also what to do to repair the damage and move forward.

The Effects of Drug Addiction on Your Marriage

Knowing how drug addiction affects relationships is the first step to repairing damaged ones. Often, when someone is addicted to drugs or alcohol, they act irrationally; they can become easily irritated and inattentive to a partner’s needs. Untreated drug abuse can also often lead to a host of other negative behaviors, which can place extreme strain on any relationship, but especially marriage.

You may notice your partner neglecting your needs and wants more frequently, or exhibiting uncharacteristic behaviors such as snapping at you, becoming defensive, or shutting down. There are a few common effects of addiction on marriages and ways to tell your partner is abusing drugs: lying, stealing, manipulation, and an imbalance of responsibilities.

Lying About Their Actions, Whereabouts, & Priorities

For a marriage to last, it needs to be built on a strong foundation of trust; however, lying because of a drug addiction can erode that base. People with active addiction often resort to lying to cover up their substance use, like where they’ve been, where they’re going, and what they’re spending their money on. Distrust is one of the quickest ways to make a marriage unstable.

Maybe your spouse has suddenly begun lying about paying your water bill, staying late at work, or going to “doctor appointments” that they don’t have. The person puts drugs above other priorities, which can quickly strain the marriage.

Stealing, Often Money or Expensive Items

When someone is battling addiction, they put the substance at the forefront of their mind and resort to doing anything they can to get their hands on it. Whether this is stealing the drug or stealing money to obtain the drug, it negatively affects the spouse. Often, the spouse must answer for the person with an addiction’s actions.

Have you noticed money disappearing from your joint bank account, or an expensive watch or jewelry suddenly gone “missing?” These are common examples of ways spouses abuse their relationship to feed their drug habits.

Manipulation & Placing Blame on the Partner

Manipulation often takes lying a step further and makes the spouse feel as though things are their fault, as opposed to the drug addiction’s fault. When spouses are manipulated, it can lead to them feeling betrayed and used, which is not conducive to a healthy marriage. Manipulation includes misplacing blame, gaslighting, and redirecting problems to something or someone else.

For instance, your spouse may blame you for their dangerous actions, projecting their insecurities about their addiction onto you. It’s important to remember that you are not the reason for their disease, and you aren’t responsible for their actions; the illness is.

Imbalance of Responsibility

All the above behaviors can contribute to an imbalance of responsibility in marriage. If one spouse spends a significant amount of time engaging in substance abuse, the other often must pick up the slack with work, chores, and other obligations. The addicted spouse is also typically unable to provide their significant other with the emotional support that everyone needs while dealing with life’s challenges.

For instance, are you noticing that you’re picking up the kids more, cleaning the house more, or paying the bills more? These imbalances put stress on you, which in turn affects the marriage and the relationship.

So, Can a Marriage Survive Drug Addiction? 5 Ways to Fix It

Yes, and it’s crucial to work together towards repairing it as soon as possible. Once you know that your spouse is addicted to drugs or alcohol, you need to take decisive action so that the problems discussed above do not befall your marriage.

Our specialists recommend the following techniques to help your partner through their active addiction while keeping your relationship healthy and overcoming the disease together:

1. Reflect on your role in the relationship/marriage.

2. Set and maintain clear, healthy boundaries.

3. Exercise patience, especially during relapse.

4. Take care of yourself and your well-being.

5. Seek professional help as soon as possible.

1. Reflect on Your Role in the Relationship

Families and loved ones often take on roles when someone has an addiction, and it’s one of the effects of drug addiction on family members. People specifically fall into one of six types:

1. The Enabler: This person denies the reality of the person’s addiction.

2. The Hero: This person takes on extra responsibilities beyond their means.

3. The Scapegoat: This person is the target of misplaced blame for the addiction.

4. The Mascot: This person avoids addressing the addiction using humor to cope.

5. The Lost Child: This person becomes isolated from the person and others.

6. The Addicted Individual: This person is battling the disease of addiction.

It’s important to think about the type of role you may have in your relationship with your addicted partner. This allows you to reflect on the person you’ve become and how you approach addiction in the dynamics. We recommend asking yourself some of these questions to help you better understand your impact on the relationship:

• Are you taking on extra responsibilities and tasks to compensate for your partner?

• Are you isolating yourself from them and your loved ones?

• Are you being blamed for the actions of your addicted partner?

• Do you unintentionally enable the behavior by denying the severity of their disease?

• Do you often distract yourself or make light of the situation as a coping mechanism?

Once you’ve done this, you’ll have a much better understanding of the way your actions and decisions can influence or impact your partner’s harmful behaviors.

2. Set & Maintain Clear Boundaries

We know this can be one of the more difficult aspects of managing life with addiction, but it’s an essential part of preserving your relationship. Understanding how to set boundaries with someone with an addiction, especially a partner, provides the momentum or push needed for them to change their behaviors.

Your partner seeing the consequences of their actions can be an eye-opener for them in the long term, while also keeping yourself protected. It’s also important to follow through with these boundaries so that your partner fully understands the effects of their addiction. Some examples of setting boundaries with a partner or spouse can include:

• Getting separate bank accounts if they’re constantly spending your money.

• Revoking vehicle permissions if they’re using your car.

• Not paying their bail for their DUI or other legal charges.

• Staying in separate rooms/apartments/houses until they decide to get help.

We recommend watching our webinar, “Communication & De-escalation: Keeping Your Cool in the Face of Addiction,” for more insight on setting boundaries and communication. Remember that both parties are equal in a relationship, so don’t feel guilty for setting any needed boundaries.

3. Exercise Patience, Especially in the Face of Relapse

Addiction is a long and arduous road, and you can’t expect things to be solved overnight. Addiction recovery is hardly ever a linear process, often involving relapses. In fact, people have about 3-5 “quit” attempts before sticking with recovery.

While you need to be clear and direct with your partner, being overly strict can be counterproductive. If you push them too hard, especially during a relapse or episode, they may react negatively and reduce progress. That’s why it’s crucial to have a balance of patience, empathy, and direction when supporting someone with an addiction.

4. Take Care of Yourself & Your Wellbeing

While your spouse may be the one with the disease, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t experiencing trauma. If your relationship is going to get better, you need to prioritize self-care to be your best self in the face of addiction.

This can look like seeking out support from friends and other relatives, like a trusted cousin, sibling, church member, or childhood friend. It also means prioritizing your physical and mental health, including getting adequate sleep, journaling, breathing, and taking time from your day for yourself. You can’t expect to help your spouse and protect your marriage on an empty tank, so practice self-care in addiction support often.

5. Seek Professional Help

When dealing with addiction in a family unit, you can’t expect to fix everything on your own. You aren’t weak if you need to ask for help. In fact, it’s one of the strongest and most selfless things you can do to seek out help for yourself as well as your spouse.

Many treatment centers also offer support for families, like family and couples’ therapy, support groups, and more. If you’re thinking of enlisting the help of a professional facility for your spouse, don’t be afraid to ask what help they offer for the families of those affected, too. Your partner is also more likely to stay in a rehab program with your support, so don’t be afraid to get outside help. Some benefits of getting professional help include:

• Understanding addiction as a disease impacting the marriage: Addiction is a chronic brain disease, and professionals can help you and your spouse understand how the disease affects their behaviors in the marriage.

• Getting emotional support for both parties: Addiction puts trauma on you and your partner, and professional help offers that emotional support you both may need as your relationship changes throughout active addiction.

• Providing a plan for the future of the marriage/relationship: Experts use therapy models that focus on finding ways to create action plans, and they can help you determine the best course of action and next steps to repair damaged relationships.

Your spouse may not be open to outside support at first, but it’s important to emphasize the benefits and impacts it can have on preserving your vows.

Addiction Isn’t the End of a Marriage

If you discover that your significant other has a severe substance abuse problem, it doesn’t mean the end of your marriage or partnership. It can even make it stronger in the long term, but it’s important that you address the disease, seek help, and make changes as soon as possible.

If you’re looking for more support on navigating addiction in your marriage or family, our Family & Friends Program is a great resource. The program offers free resources from our certified counselors, group therapy, and educational classes. We also have a free downloadable e-book, “A Loved One’s Guide to Life with Addiction,” with even more insight on supporting your loved one.

Addiction isn’t the end of any relationship. As long as you remain patient and compassionate towards yourself and your partner, follow through on boundaries, and seek outside help when needed, you two can overcome these challenges and create a strong, lasting relationship.

About Master Center

Master Center is a groundbreaking addiction treatment program headquartered in Glen Allen, Va. Based on a vision of comprehensive outpatient care, Master Center was launched in 2016 and now includes locations throughout the Commonwealth.

Master Center offers a coordinated, multidisciplinary approach rarely seen in the outpatient setting, staffed by experienced addiction physicians, psychiatrists, counselors, therapists, and peer recovery coaches.